To Be Someone
by InspiringLight
Summary: Zack is constantly outshined by his brother. His self-esteem further brought down by the comparisons made between him and his twin, what if he finally can't take it anymore?
1. Not Good Enough

Summary: Zack is constantly outshined by his brother. His self-esteem further brought down by the comparisons made between him and his twin, what if he finally can't take it anymore?

**Disclaimer**: I do not own the Suite Life series nor any of its characters.

~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~

"Hey Zack! Cody!" Max called as she ran excitedly towards them.

"Hi Max," the twins said together.

"We're getting our report cards today." She grinned brightly at Cody but it dimmed a bit when she shifted her gaze to Zack. She offered him a sympathetic look. "Don't worry, Zack. You can always try harder next time."

Zack frowned. He had been studying really hard for the tests this time. Surely he did well too. "I'm sure I did well too," he muttered irritably.

Max laughed. "Course you did, Zack. Like you even studied."

Cody sensed the change in his brother's mood the moment he noticed how Zack slightly lowered his chin. His brother always did that when he was upset.

"You don't know that!" Zack retorted angrily.

And defiant too, Cody added mentally to himself. Deciding to break the fight that was surely bound to happen, Cody patted Zack's shoulder and was mildly surprised to feel it tense beneath his fingers. He frowned. Zack never did that. Not unless he was angry with him.

He cleared his throat. "The bell is about to ring. We should get to class." He stared pointedly at Max.

"Umm, yeah. I'll be going first." Max shot Zack a weird look before quickly walking away.

Cody glanced at his brother. "So," he began tentatively, "what happened back there?"

"Nothing important," Zack mumbled.

"Zack..."

"It's nothing."

"Okay.." Cody shrugged and they started off for class.

Walking in silence was never much a Martin trait. Zack hated the silence. He was always talking about one thing or another with his brother, and as for Cody, he was always the one who listened. But the conversation was never one-sided. Cody did talk, just not as a lot as Zack. But for the first time in a long while, Zack kept his lips firmly shut, a frown etched on his forehead.

"Cody?"

"What is it?" Cody turned his head towards his brother.

"Do you think I could get a decent grade this time, Cody?" he mumbled.

Cody stopped in his tracks in surprise. Oh. Maybe this was what had upset Zack in the first place. It took him less than seconds to take in his brother's barely quivering lip, and how his arms were crossed over his chest, or how Zack refused to meet his little brother's eye.

"I know you can, Zack!" He started enthusiastically, hoping to bring up his brother's mood. "I believe in you! You're really smart, and when you try, you can do _anything_. I know you can."

Zack looked up, his eyes widening. He had expected Cody to scoff at him and brush it off as insignificant. "You really think so?"

Cody nodded vigorously. "Yeah, I do."

There was a slight upturn at the corners of his lips, but it stilled. "How do you know?"

This time, Cody did roll his eyes. "I'm your twin. Of course I know."

Not knowing whether to feel offended or happy, Zack settled for content when the younger Martin slung his arm over his shoulder. Perhaps…perhaps all his efforts will pay off after all.

~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~

[After school]

Zack entered then Tipton Hotel lobby with a spring in his step. He couldn't wait to show his mum his report card. He hadn't wanted Cody there when he showed his report card to their mother, and he didn't feel bad. It wasn't that he was jealous. He never was, and couldn't fathom why everyone thought he was envious of his brother's intelligence.

But for once… Even if it was just this once, he wanted his mother to be proud of _him_. Just him and not Cody. He wanted her to think about how hard _he_ had worked, and just for her to hug _him_ and tell him that he was smart too.

"Zack Martin! Stop right there!"

Zack stopped in his tracks, recognizing the hotel manager's voice. A smile graced his features as he swiveled to face Mr Moseby. "What is it, Mr Moseby?" he asked politely.

Mr Moseby's eyes narrowed dangerously. "Don't you what-is-it me. How many times have I told you not to play in the lobby?" he said exasperatedly. "If this happens again, I _will_ have to kick you and your family out, Zack."

Zack furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. "What are you talking about? I just got back from school."

"Yes, I know," the older man muttered disdainfully. "Which is why you weren't yelled at this morning by an aggrieved guest who had slipped on your skateboard." He held the offensive board in his hand as he stared accusingly at the twelve year old.

Zack gaped. "But it wasn't me!"

"Well, if it wasn't you, who else could it be? Your brother?" Mr Moseby stared at Zack plaintively.

"Well, it could be-"

At that moment, Carey walked in and she frowned. Sighing, she forced her tone to be neutral. "Okay Zack, what did you do?" She crossed her arms and stared down at her son sternly.

"I didn't do anything!" he insisted. The frown pulled at his face. They didn't believe him! Zack thought angrily. He seriously didn't do anything and here they were, refusing to listen to him! He could feel the frustration build inside of him. Sure he was often punished for being a troublemaker, but only when he deserved it.

He tilted his head to look pleadingly at his mother. "Mum! Don't you believe me?"

"I would. But you never give me a reason to actually believe you, Zack." She turned to Mr Moseby. "Well?" she prompted.

"Your son left his skateboard in the lobby again. Must someone die before he actually learns?"

Carey brought a hand up to her forehead. "Oh I'm so sorry, Mr Moseby." She glared at Zack. "Say you're sorry."

"But I didn't do it!" Zack repeated in frustration. He looked from Carey to Mr Moseby wildly. Why won't they believe him? "And that's not my skateboard!"

"Enough, Zack!" Carey snapped. "Say you're _sorry_."

"But I-"

"Fine, have it your way then. You will stay in your room until you realize your mistake and are willing to apologize to Mr Moseby. And no dinner," she ordered sternly.

Mr Moseby sighed. "Yes, punish him. A young brat like him needs to learn. And since this skateboard is apparently not yours, I'd be sure to keep it out of your range." He turned on his heels and walked away.

"Now go to your room, Zack. I have rehearsal to do." Carey then too walked away, though she didn't spare her son another glance.

"But…" Zack stared after her in shock. "But I really didn't do anything," he whispered.

~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~

Cody knocked on the bedroom door. When Zack didn't respond, he started to grow worried. He had heard from Maddie that his brother was grounded again. But she hadn't told him what Zack had done to get it.

"Zack? You there?" he called again. He waited impatiently and sighed when his brother didn't deign to reply.

He leaned back against the door contemplatively. Zack had been behaving differently that day. Like something bothered him. Cody had thought that it was about the report card. But hadn't they settled it already?

He let out a loud exhale. He knew something was wrong moment he stepped into the suite. Usually Zack would just lounge on the couch and ignore their mother's orders. Until she came home, that is. But that he actually stayed in the bedroom…and locked the door. Cody frowned. Something was definitely off.

Suddenly, the bedroom door opened at the same time as the front door.

Zack stared in surprise as his brother fell back onto him. He held onto Cody's shoulder, absent-mindedly making sure his head was supported by his knee. Had Cody been leaning against the door?

"What is going on?"

Zack froze at the sound of his mother's voice. He looked up and met her icy cold glare.

"Mu-"

"Zack…" she began warningly. "How many times must I tell you _not_ to bully your brother? You're twins. You're not supposed to fight all the time."

Something in Zack lurched and sank. He could feel his lip trembling again. Although he knew that it wasn't worth it, that he'd probably be the 'culprit' again, he tried anyway. "But Mum, I-"

"Didn't do it?" Carey cut in, raising an eyebrow at him unamusedly. When Zack fell silent, she shook her head in resignation. She took hold of her younger son's arms and pulled him up. "Look Zack. I don't know what to do about you anymore." She crossed her arms and fixed a steady gaze on him. "You don't study; you push your brother around. You pull pranks on the hotel guests like this is your home."

Cody watched hurt cross his brother's features and inwardly cringed. When Zack lowered his head, and this time Cody just _knew_ that his brother was really upset, he couldn't take it anymore. "Mum," he spoke up. "But Zack didn't do anything. I was leaning against the door and he opened it. He really didn't know."

Carey paused and stared at her younger son warmly. "Look, honey. I know you care about your brother. But he's always pushing you around because you're too nice to him."

"But-"

Carey frowned at Cody warningly and he fell silent. Carey shifted her attention to her older son again and couldn't help but sigh. "Can you please just understand that it's hard enough to work here without you pulling off your jokes? It's not always about you, Zack. Do you understand?" she said sternly.

This time, Zack could feel a strange sensation prickle at his eyes. "Yes," he answered in a small voice.

"Good. Now go to your room." Carey watched as a now deflated Zack trudged back to his room silently. For once, he didn't argue as much. Perhaps he was finally learning. Carey hated to make her sons upset, but it was necessary to discipline them too.

"Wait!" Cody paused when his family looked at him questioningly. "Uhh, we got our report cards today!" he exclaimed excitedly. He watched as his twin smiled softly and he grinned to himself. He knew Zack had wanted to show Mum his report card. He had done so well in the little time he actually studied! Cody was really proud of him.

Carey smiled fondly again at Cody as he took out his report card and handed it to her. "Straight A's again," she said proudly. She pulled Cody towards her and gave him a quick hug. "I'm so proud of you, Cody."

He beamed. "Thanks!"

"And Zack?" She gazed at her oldest again. Before he could speak, she went on, "If Cody received his, it means you did too. Now don't give me any excuses and show me yours."

For the first time that both Carey and Cody could remember, Zack silently took out his and gave it to her. Cody's insides clenched when he saw how his brother refused to look up, and how hunched his shoulders were. He looked to his mother hopefully. _Please, please say it's good._

"Zack…" Carey began. "Zack, look at me."

Cody watched as his twin slow raised his head to look at their mother. Carey hadn't spoken yet, but perhaps it was the look in her eyes, or maybe it was the slight shaking of the head that killed the glimmer of hope in his brother's eyes. _Oh…_

"Zack, straight B's. It's much better than D's, but…It's not good enough. You have to try harder."

Zack nodded mutely.

"Can't you be more like your brother?" Carey shook her head again. "Okay, just go to your room."

The bedroom door shut itself again. But what the mother failed to see or hear were the silent tears that escaped on the other side.

~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~

That night, Zack could barely sleep. He couldn't forget how disappointed his Mum was about his results. He had gotten all B's. Wasn't that enough? An image of how she praised Cody flashed before his mind's eye.

Was he really jealous of his brother? But he wasn't.

He didn't think he was.

_You play pranks on the hotel guests like this is your home._

But…it was his home. _Is_. He felt his insides clench. He loved life at the Tipton. It was home to him. Didn't his mother want him anymore? Maybe he was only there because he was her son, and not because she cared about him.

_I don't know what to do about you anymore. It's not always about you, Zack._

Zack's lower lip jutted out when he remembered what his mother had said. Maybe…No, it couldn't be. Of course she wants him.

Right?

_But you never actually give me a reason to believe you…_

A single tear escaped his right eye. _Mum…I'm sorry for being such a letdown._

With that, something broke inside of him, and he started to heave deep, heavy sobs. He tried his best to keep quiet; he never wanted Cody to see him this way. The last thing he wanted was his brother to think that he was just a big baby crying over a trivial thing.

His heart beating fast, Zack suddenly found it hard to breathe. The place was so suffocating. He hated being compared to his brother all the time. And it didn't help that Cody was less than three meters away from him. Choking back a sob, he stumbled to his feet.

He needed out.

He _had_ to get out of the room.

_Heck, the suite. The hotel_. He thought desperately. _Maybe I can think clearly with the fresh air_.

Rushing out of the suite, Zack Martin forgot two things. One, it was two in the morning and he hadn't brought a coat. Two, his family – Carey and Cody – would be worried sick to death, but he didn't think they'd care.

[To be continued]

I'm not really satisfied with this piece. Something seems to be missing. I know it's kind of boring but I _had_ to write it out. I'm sure a lot of people are familiar with that feeling. :)

I'd like to know if this story is worth continuing, so please Review!


	2. Just So Tired

Hey guys!

Here's the second chapter. I may have gone a little (or a lot) OOC with the characters. :( So please forgive me if I did.

For those who had reviewed, thanks a lot! Hope you guys like this chapter. :)

**Disclaimer**: I do not own the Suite Life Series nor any of its characters.

~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~

Cody flipped onto his side, frowning. "No…don't…" he mumbled incoherently. "...wrong…Zac? Wha… No…no… ZACK!" His eyes snapped open.

Cody took in deep, heavy breaths as he sat up, scanning the room in shock. What was that? He could feel his heart pound frantically. That dream…it felt so real. As if, as if- No. He shook his head violently. _What am I thinking?_ Blinking tiredly, he rolled over and looked at his alarm clock. Huh. 5.15.

He stretched and yawned. Closing his eyes for a moment, he lay on the bed silently. Breathing in. Breathing out. It should have been relaxing but his forehead creased slowly back into a frown. Something wasn't right. The room seemed too silent. Like it was…empty. Remembering the nightmare he had just had, the uneasiness churned his insides again.

_Yeah right, Cody._

The sound of Zack tossing was right across the room.

…

Cody sat up, his eyes wide. Looking across the room, his heart nearly stopped. His twin's bed was a mess, but it was obvious it had not been slept in; the pillows were scattered haphazardly on the bed. Cody's eyes trailed after the blanket that seemed to have been dragged to the door which had been left ajar.

_Don't tell me_…

Cody jumped off his bed and stormed into the living room. He couldn't ignore the nagging feeling that something was wrong. Sure Zack had never been a neat person, but… well, he _never_ woke early. Ever.

"Morning, honey."

Cody looked up. "Morning Mum." Running to the bathroom, he slammed the door open and the panic in him rose. Not there.

"You're up early." Carey put down the magazine she was reading. "What's wrong?"

Cody shook his head violently. He turned towards her, unable to hide the fear in his eyes. "Mum?" he couldn't hide the tremor of fear in his voice. "Where's Zack?"

Carey tensed. Already starting to fear the worse, she placed an arm on Cody's shoulder. "Isn't he in his room?" she asked slowly.

"He isn't! When I woke up, he wasn't there!"

Carey stared in silence at Cody. Taking a step back unconsciously, she paused then walked calmly to the bedroom, and then tearing to the bathroom. _No. No no no. _Her eyes darted across the living room. "Oh no. Zack."

Cody swallowed the lump in his throat. "Mum, he didn't…run away, did he?" he asked in a small voice.

His eyelashes suddenly wet, he knew the dread in her eyes mirrored his own. Zack had run away.

His brother had run away.

~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~

Cody stood in the elevator in tense apprehension. His mother was keeping a cool head, handing out instructions without a single emotion lacing her voice. But despite that, Cody could feel her fear in her every move. He inwardly sighed. How could Zack do this to them? How could he just run off that way? And in the middle of the night! Anything could have happened to him. Didn't he think they'd care that he's gone?

Amidst the confusion in his mind, the younger twin could feel a spark of anger quickly seeping through his veins. Zack was _so_ going to get it when he found him. It was just like him to be selfish enough to run away. And the worst part was…the worst part was knowing that Zack hadn't considered him worthy enough to tell him what was going on. What if…

The rage suddenly gave way to inexplicable fear. Oh God. What if he really never saw his twin again?

Cody's thoughts were momentarily distracted when the doors of the elevator opened. Hurrying outside, he watched in detached interest as his mother practically ran towards a half-awake Mr Moseby. She had demanded he meet them – her (he had insisted to come along) – at the lobby earlier on.

"What is it, Carey?" Mr Moseby began somewhat anxiously. He glanced at his watch. "And this early in the morning too."

"Oh Mr Moseby, I don't know what to do," Carey cried. She pulled Cody into an embrace as a form of support. "Zack's gone. Cody woke up and he wasn't there. And I just don't know what to do, and, and-"

"He's missing?" Cody was surprised to hear genuine concern in the older man's voice. He would have thought he'd have been delighted to be rid of one twin. And the more outgoing one at that.

Tuning out the distressed words of his mother and Mr Moseby, Cody started staring into space. His heart ached. He didn't know where his twin was. They went everywhere together. Even in school. Zack may call him 'loser' or 'dork', but Cody realized then with a start that that never stopped his older brother from hanging out with him. Cody felt his lip tremble. He wanted to see Zack so bad.

But the one person who could comfort him was also the one who was making him feel so torn.

~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~

Zack held his arms together closely, his eyes darting left and right. He could feel the fear and anxiety tugging at the back of his mind. Hugging himself tighter, he sniffed. He wanted to go home.

_No. _They don't want you there.

Zack could feel a sob building up his throat. He was outside and on his own in the dark of the morning. He didn't even know where he was. For the first time in his life, he didn't feel so big anymore. Just small and cold and…_alone_.

A crash resounded in the alley behind him and he jumped. Letting out a loud gasp, he took to his heels and bolted down the sidewalk. Regret thrummed in his head as he rounded a corner, barely noticing the trees he flew by, or the cat he had nearly stepped on. He should never have run away. It was so _stupid_ and _crazy _and…and so like him.

Zack gave out a loud cry.

Suddenly, the world tipped over as his foot snagged on a fallen branch. Unable to catch himself, his worn body met the floor with a loud thud. Zack sniffed as his vision blurred with tears. His mum was right to choose Cody as her favorite son. He, on the other hand, was stupid. Who in their right mind would run away in the middle of the night? All he ever did was cause the people around him worry and anxiety. If it was Cody, he would have thought things through before carrying it out. Heck, Cody wouldn't even dream of doing something like this. He didn't have to.

Zack simply laid there, his eyes closed. He felt so tired. He wanted to sleep and forget everything that had happened. Maybe he could go back home after this. Then slowly live his life out until he was old enough to move away and stop himself from troubling others because of his presence alone.

"Son, are you okay?"

Within less than a second, Zack had scrambled to his feet to stare wide-eyed at a man hovering above him. He wore a black coat, his eyes staring warmly at him. Zack took a step back.

"Are you okay?" the man repeated kindly.

Perhaps the recent worries that had plagued his mind clouded his judgment enough that he failed to see the genuine concern in the stranger, or maybe so lost was he in his misery that he just couldn't _do _it anymore.

He swiveled around and bolted away.

Zack could feel the pained fear tear at his chest again, though he no longer knew what it was that terrified him so much that it hurt.

~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~

[At 4 pm]

"Carey!" Mr Moseby spotted the said person on the couch with her head in her hands. "There you are!"

He walked towards her and placed his hand on her shoulder supportively. "Did you find him?" she asked anxiously, lifting her head to stare hopefully at Mr Moseby.

He shook his head, his expression grim. "The only thing that we could gather was that your son had left the hotel near 2 in the morning. As to where he had gone…" he trailed off.

Carey put her head in her hands again. How could this have happened? "I have to find him."

Mr Moseby held up a hand. "You can't, Carey. I've sent as many people as I can to find him. Even London! And you've been searching all morning. What if he came back and you weren't here?"

"This is MY son we're talking about! How can I just sit around when he might…" Carey stopped and covered her mouth. "What if something happened to him?" she whispered.

"Mum?"

She looked up to see Cody staring worriedly at her. Barely getting herself together, she held out her arms and wrapped it around him. "He's going to be okay, Cody," she murmured as she started rocking back and forth. "He's going to be okay."

Cody only nodded as he returned the hug, feeling worse than he had ever had. He had only come back from searching. He had checked everywhere! The playground, the mall, the park, even the school! But Zack just wasn't there. The guilt inside him worsened. They were twins. Of all people, shouldn't he be the one to find his brother? But he was completely hopeless.

"Hey, uhh… are you the manager of the hotel?" a boy roughly the same age as the twins asked.

Cody pulled away from his mother to see the kid staring at him. He didn't know why, but he started to feel the beginnings of anger tugging at his mind. Here they were, utterly _terrified_ for a missing family member, and all this stranger could do was _stare_ at them like they were some walking art piece? Cody narrowed his eyes and glared at him, feeling a sick satisfaction when he looked away.

"Well, yes, I am the manager," Mr Moseby spoke up, though whether he noticed the exchange, Cody couldn't tell. "How may I help you?"

"Umm… I kind of lost my skateboard here yesterday. Did you see it?" he asked nervously, as if he could feel the younger twin's continued glare at him.

Mr Moseby lifted an eyebrow. "A skateboard?"

"Yes."

"In the lobby?"

"…yeah."

Mr Moseby walked to the counter calmly. Bending down slightly, he grabbed the skateboard he had 'confiscated' the day before and held it out to the kid. "Is this yours, by any chance?" he asked skeptically.

A bright smile lifted the corners of the boy's mouth. "Yeah!" he looked at Mr Moseby gratefully as he took it. "Thanks!" He turned on his heels, but paused nervously when he saw Carey staring at him. Thinking the better of it, he turned and went off in the other direction.

"Oh." Carey stared at Mr Moseby. "Zack wasn't lying. That wasn't his skateboard."

"I'm afraid so," Mr Moseby replied, a grimace on his features.

As Cody watched the exchange, it suddenly clicked as he put two and two together. He glared first at Mr Moseby, then at his mother accusingly. "You both scolded Zack for something he didn't do, didn't you?" he demanded. Anger flashed through his eyes.

"How could you!" The rage that had simmered down came back in full force, painting the edges of his vision red.

"Cody, honey," Carey began, looking pleadingly at her son. "It was an honest mistake."

"An honest mistake?" Cody shouted, his eyes filling with tears. "Maybe that's why he ran away! Because of your _honest mistake_, I might never see my twin again!"

Shooting them one final patented death glare, he ran out of the Tipton hotel. He had to find Zack. He had to, and make things right again.

_Zack, you doofus. I know you were hurt. But how could you run away like that?_

Somehow, Cody knew that, if anyone found Zack, it would have to be him.

~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~

Cody ran through the streets. He could feel the rapid drum of his heart against his chest, each one sending a greater spike of fear through his body. He could feel his eyes tearing up again. The same images flashed before his eyes again – of Zack lying in a pool of his own blood, his brother beaten up so badly with no one to help him, Zack hurt. And Cody wasn't there to help him. The same question repeated itself in his mind: how could Zack do this to them?

Cody didn't know what his twin was thinking of, being so _stupid_ to run away like that. And without even bothering to tell his twin what was going on! Didn't he think Cody would help him? It had been fourteen – FOURTEEN – hours!

Cody heaved in a deep breath. _Stay strong, Cody. Your brother needs you. He could be in danger – _he felt his heart twist at that thought – _so you need to think logically. Where could he be?_

Suddenly, his gaze fell upon a boy in sitting on a swing in front of him. He was looking down on his hands as he rocked himself back and forth. The corners of his lips were pulled down stubbornly. Cody widened his eyes and tried to force himself to focus. Blonde hair, same face, yesterday's clothes. Right. That's certainly Zack.

_Okay, maybe right in front of me_.

"Zack!"

~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~ x ~

"Zack!"

Zack looked up and met his twin's eye before quickly looking away. "What is it?" he asked softly.

He heard the rapid sound of pattering feet before being roughly pulled up to his feet. He was about to voice his half-hearted annoyance when he was wrapped into a tight hug that he could barely breathe.

"Cody?" he asked uncertainly. "Can't breathe."

"Oh. Sorry." Cody let go of his brother though he didn't widen the proximity between them. Looking Zack up and down, he saw with growing horror that scratches marked one side of his brother's face, and that a part of his jeans was ripped open. Dirt was clinging to his skin. His gaze lingered at the large bruise that colored his sibling's right elbow a dark blue, some of the skin torn and red.

"Zack..? What happened to you? Why did you run away, Zack? Mum was worried about you! And I-"

Zack gasped slightly. Suddenly, it all seemed too much. He felt so tired. The heat, the lack of sleep, the lack of a proper meal, and especially the inferiority he felt towards Cody. But he had been trying so hard! It just went on to show what a good-for-nothing he really is. Everyone was right. He'd never make it. His fists clenched.

Looking Cody right in the eye, he said in a low voice, "Yeah, and you're worried that her _worry_" – he sneered – "for me would make her forget your stupid _perfect_ grades. And you know what, Cody?"

"What are you talking about?" Cody involuntarily took a step back at the heated look his twin shot him.

"You know what I'm talking about!" Zack shouted. "Well you don't have to worry. 'Cause she _doesn't_ care and she _doesn't_ ever worry over _me_!" At this, he stabbed his finger into his chest to further emphasize his point.

"You know that's not true!"

"Shut up! You don't know anything!"

"Yeah? And I suppose _you_ do?" Cody threw back. His eyes flashed. If Zack was going to be a jerk, well, then, fine! And after all that _worrying_ over him.

"Shut up!" Zack cried, his eyes filling with tears. "Shut up shut up _shut up_!"

He couldn't take it anymore. Everyone was going on and on and on about how brilliant Cody was. He knew he was lazy. But he had thought that, maybe if he actually tried he would be able to make something out of himself. _Yeah, a pathetic fool_, he thought in self-pity. He hated it when everyone just lumps him as dumb. Sure he loved to pull pranks, but…he had feelings too. In the past, at least he could use the excuse that he had never tried to score in school, hence the results. But now…now he had to face the fact that he wasn't smart, just a dumb twin to Cody; a troublemaker to Mr Moseby; and a hopeless son to his mother. A tear streaked down his cheek.

For a long moment, they just stared at each other, the tension hanging silently over them like a shroud.

Cody was at a loss for words, shocked at Zack's outburst, and even more so when he saw his brother crying. His heart broke. "What's wrong, buddy?" he asked in a small voice, using the nickname that Zack had always used for him. "What happened?"

Zack started to cry harder. "I don't know." Zack fell back heavily on the swing and covered his face with his hands. "I just don't know."

Cody hesitantly wrapped his arms around his sibling again. He had never seen Zack like this before. When the older Martin didn't resist, Cody rubbed his back soothingly, choosing to stay silent until Zack felt ready to open up. And he did.

"I just tried really hard for school this time, and Mum...I know I disappointed her again." Zack started to sob. "But I really worked hard for it. A-and Mr Moseby accused me of leaving my skateboard in the lobby, and I _know_ it wasn't me. And, and…" he trailed off. He sounded so _stupid_. Running away from home because of that? But it had seemed so hard then.

"You think I'm dumb too, don't you?" he mumbled through his gasps.

Cody widened his eyes at this. "No! Of course I don't, Zack. Why would I ever think that way?" He pulled back slightly to look at his brother's tear-streaked face.

At this, Zack jumped up and pulled away from Cody. "Of course you do!" he cried. "I'm never as good as you and I never will be! Mum's always so proud of you and I'm always only a disappointment to her. And Mr Moseby! And everyone else. All of them think you're great twin because you're smart and nice and kind and-and stuff. And all I am is just the worthless big brother who no one wants!" His voice went an octave higher near the end.

"Zack…" Cody whispered, hurt. How could Zack say that?

Zack stepped away from Cody, his whole body shaking. "And you know what, Cody? I'm sick of being compared to you."

Their eyes met, two identical pair of eyes which screamed volumes of desperation and hurt.

"I hate you."

Cody's world stopped as the words sunk in. Zack hated him?

Then suddenly, he watched in horror as the color in Zack's features abruptly drained away, leaving him terrifyingly pale. His eyes rolled into his head and he fell forward as Cody rushed to catch him.

"Zack? Zack!" Cody shook him, his eyes wide. "Zack! Wake up!"

Zack only lay limp in his twin's arms.

[To be continued]

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Thanks for the reviews! :)

Replies:

To **Simmi-Star**: Thanks! Well, a lot of mums are like that. Guess we just have to accept it as one of their flaws. Well, she was already angry with Zack at that point of time because of the skateboard incident. In her eyes then, he was just not working hard enough. Anger doesn't make you think clearly, after all.

To **purplewowies**: If this fic is of any similarity to another, it is purely coincidental. :) Thanks for the review.

To **flufflekinz8188**: Thanks for the review! Feels really great to know that! :)

To **Zailey4ever**: Thank you for the review! Hope you like this chapter!

To **A. Martin**: Cody has always been able to maintain good grades for his academics. She could possibly feel that Zack should do just as well. High expectations, huh? Thanks for the review anyway! :)

To **heawee**: Thanks for the review! :)

This chapter is rather boring, I know. What's with all the searching and everything. Please review & tell me if I should continue!


	3. Warmth

A/N: Hey guys. Thanks for the reviews. Replies are at the bottom of the page.

Anyway, here's the third chapter. I'm sorry I updated late. This time, I really think I have the characters, especially Zack, to be out of character. I'm not going to make excuses for myself, but I really don't know how else to show this scene. I'll probably be writing other fics on these wonderful twins (don't we all love them?), so it'd be really nice if you guys **review** and tell me what you guys think on how I portray them.

By the way, I've another two stories on Suite Life: Fragility and I'm Selfish, and I'm Sorry. Do take a look and leave a review! ^^

Enjoy the chapter!

**Disclaimer**: I do not own the Suite Life Series or any of its characters.

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"_Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life's cruelest irony." - Douglas Coupland, Shampoo Planet_

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Darkness.

It clung to him like a second skin, smothering him, suffocating. He swallowed loudly, but no sound reached his ears. Fingers scrambled to touch his eyes. He couldn't see. Why can't he see?

_Mum?_

His voice – or was it his thoughts? – echoed eerily within his head. He let his arms fall limp by his sides, though a small part of his mind realized he didn't feel anything. Apprehension spread through him like a small building fire.

_Cody?_ He called shakily.

Zack swiveled around, his eyes darting left and right nervously. He couldn't see! Couldn't feel. Couldn't…_ What was happening? _Everything was dark. There wasn't any light; there wasn't any _anything_.

_Mummy? Buddy? _He couldn't hide it, the fear in his voice…thoughts.

Where was he? He tried to clutch his arms closer, but he might as well have missed; it hadn't made a difference. The beginnings of a chill started to seep into his skin. Colder than the night air, darker than the sky without the moon. _It's so cold… Why is it so cold?_

_/Much better than D's…/_

Was that…Mum's voice? _Mum?_

_/It's not good enough. You have to try harder./_

The relief that had spilled into his mind slowly faded as he processed the words. Perhaps it was his imagination, but was the place getting darker than it already was? Zack had never seen anything so dark.

_/Can't you be more like your brother?/_

Cody. Zack remembered his twin. Remembered how Cody always scored A's, remembered how his mother always praised him. It was always Cody. Whenever there was trouble, everyone would turn to Zack. After all, whoever was the mastermind if not Zack Martin?

A sudden breeze touched Zack's features and he shivered. It was getting colder. Like the world had been rid of warmth. Zack felt something trail down his cheek.

_Am I…a letdown?_

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Carey grabbed a blanket and gently settled it over Cody's back. She patted his shoulder comfortingly, though lightly. She didn't want to wake him. _He must be tired_. A tinge of sadness touched the back of her mind. How did it come to this? She never meant to put her son down.

Carefully pulling her seat closer to Cody's, she wrapped her arm around his shoulders. She needed that support. To hold someone; so her hands wouldn't be empty. Carey cast her eyes to her other son, and her eyes became strangely wet. Zack, the son whom she had thought to be so strong, was on the bed, the covers tucked tightly by his sides. Carey reached over and lightly pushed the blonde tresses from covering his closed eyes.

Pulling back, she barely suppressed a sigh. She still remembered the shock and the wrenching fear that had pierced deep into her heart when a panicked Esteban carried one son on his back, while the other son had to be supported by London. At this thought, her gaze trailed slowly towards Cody. She sighed. He must have been so scared.

Cody shifted and blinked blearily at his mother. "Mum?"

"Cody, honey. You're awake." Carey gently touched his hair.

Cody gave a slight frown and sat up. His gaze immediately traveled to Zack. With a sudden jerk of his hand, he grabbed his mother's arm. "Will he be okay? Why did he pass out?"

Carey gave him a reassuring smile. "He'll be okay, honey. He just had a very stressful time, and I guess his mind needed a break." No need to explain the tiny details, she thought. Like Zack having suffered through a period of panic attack.

"Then…when will he wake up?"

Carey kissed her youngest son's forehead. "When he's ready," she whispered. She pulled back and eyed Cody carefully. "Are _you_ okay, honey?"

"Yeah, I am…" Cody nodded as he pinned his gaze at his twin.

"London told me you lost consciousness when they arrived."

Cody touched his brother's hand lightly, then grabbed it. He swallowed. "Yeah…"

"Cody?" Carey asked worriedly.

There was a pause. "I don't know, Mum. I was just…so scared when Zack passed out like that. And there was no one around. And I…" – Cody let out a small sob – "And I didn't know what to do."

Carey immediately held out her arms and wrapped it around the younger twin, though his hand remained tightly locked with Zack's. Rocking back and forth, she murmured, "It's okay, sweetie. Everything will be alright." She could feel her shoulder become damp.

After a moment, Cody pulled away, sniffling. "Thanks, Mum."

"I'm always here, honey."

…

"Mum?"

"Yes, Cody?" was the immediate reply.

"Can I," Cody began hesitantly. "Can I stay here with Zack for a while? Alone, I mean."

"Oh, I don't know, Cody. He hasn't woken up and…" Carey paused as Cody's features morphed into a desperate plea. A part of her felt gratefully touched that her son cared so much about his brother; but another part of her loathed to leave their sides. Especially after they had gone through so much.

"Please?"

She sighed and gave Cody a warm smile. Kissing him on the forehead, she said, "Tell me when he wakes up, okay?"

Cody nodded thankfully as she kissed Zack next. He heard her whisper 'you'll be fine, honey. I love you' before she left the room. As the door clicked shut, Cody fixed his attention on his brother.

"You'll be okay, Zack."

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[Three Hours Later]

Zack's eyelids fluttered open. His lips twitched and he moaned softly. What was that pounding at the back of his head? His eyes blearily took in the white ceiling, the drawn curtains and…oh. He was in his room. The muddled thoughts in his head did a quick review of recent events, but the Martin found he couldn't remember much, short of the distant image of his brother yelling his name.

Zack was about to lift his arm to touch his head – gosh, it felt like something was _stabbing_ his brain –when he realized it felt heavier.

"Zack?"

Zack's eyes jerked to the source and calmed slightly. Cody. He appraised his brother's state silently. Cody must have been sleeping on a chair beside his bed. One of his arms was splayed over Zack's stomach, while the other held on firmly to his hand. Zack frowned. His back must have hurt bending over like that.

"Zack?" Cody repeated, his voice a hushed whisper. He sat up from his position and leaned closer to Zack than was necessary. His greenish blue eyes a fraction wider, he stared at his twin intensely, as if willing him to answer.

Zack remained silent, opting to stare at his brother. He was aware that Cody was becoming increasingly worried by the second, but his mind felt numb. Like whatever was happening wasn't happening. Like he was standing from afar, watching himself lie on his bed as the cold seeped into his skin.

He watched as the frown on his brother's forehead deepened; Zack didn't stop Cody from reaching out to shake his shoulder roughly.

"Zack?" The fear in Cody's voice rang too clearly. "Are you okay?"

Zack's lips parted. "I'm cold," he murmured.

Cody instantly shrugged the blanket off his back and placed it over his brother. "Better?"

Zack huddled closer into himself. No…he didn't feel better. It still felt cold, but he nodded anyway.

A relieved smile crossed Cody's features, brightening his face considerably. Instead of settling back in the chair, he sat on the bed, his hand automatically reaching to touch his brother's shoulder. He felt he needed to feel that Zack was there. It wasn't that they've never been apart, but those hours of not knowing where Zack was…Cody felt as if someone had ripped him in half. _And I always thought to be away from him even for a moment would be a blessing._

"What happened?" Zack winced as he pressed his thumb and forefinger to his temple. The blood rushed to his ears. It was so loud.

The smile immediately fell of Cody's face. "Are you okay?"

Zack nodded dismissively. "Yeah. Just a headache. So what happened?"

"You uh…" Cody looked uncomfortable. "You fainted."

Zack lifted eyebrow tiredly. He…fainted? _Oh. That explains why I'm here and not… _- he glanced at the window and noted the lack of sunlight – _outside. _He looked back at his brother questioningly, prompting him to continue.

"Don't you remember? What's the last thing that you can remember?"

Zack shrugged. "I don't know. Just…that… You know," he muttered.

Cody fell silent at the vague answer. Leaning back slightly, he appraised his brother's form. Zack had lowered his gaze to his hands which were laid flat on his lap. His blonde tresses fell over his eyes in a messy disarray, and Cody could tell that Zack was more than uncomfortable. You don't just run away from home, pass out at the sight of your brother, wake up hours later and feel fine. But then, Cody didn't think Zack was being himself. _He's too quiet. He would have been…louder._

His eyes strayed to Zack's and their eyes met. Zack merely stared back blankly, and it eerily reminded Cody of an empty shell. Remembering the words that his brother had uttered, Cody lowered his gaze, downcast.

"Do…do you want me to leave?"

Zack blinked. "What do you mean?"

Cody swallowed and sucked in a deep breath. "Do you want me to leave?"

The first inklings of confusion coursed through the older Martin as he processed this. Zack half-wanted to remain quiet. He knew it to be out of character for him, but it felt strangely right and soothing. _Yes, that's what I want. Curl up and let myself sleep until it's all over_, a voice played inside his head. But perhaps it was the expression on Cody's features, or maybe Zack was never meant to be a quiet person that he sat up, his eyes firmly fixed on Cody's.

"Why would you think that?" he asked slowly.

"You hate me, remember?" Cody said thickly.

Zack felt a small frown weave through his forehead. Hate him? He didn't hate Cody. Zack unconsciously reached out to touch Cody's shoulder. He saw Cody glance at him. Something about this didn't feel right… _I don't feel right_, he mentally corrected himself.

Zack shook his head. "I don't hate you."

"You do. You said so yourself."

The older twin shot his brother a blank expression. "I did?" he asked in confusion. "When?"

Cody paused thoughtfully. "But you didn't hit your head or anything…"

"Huh?"

Cody ignored the question and placed his palm over Zack's forehead. _Slight fever. But the doctor said he should be fine. Why can't he remember? _Cody pulled back and stared at his hands. Maybe he should just get his mum. It wasn't like he was of any use here anyway.

"Cody?"

Cody looked up. "Oh. Nothing. I'll go get Mum. She'll want to know that you're awake."

Cody avoided eye contact as he left the room. Zack heard him call for their mother and he swallowed nervously. Would she be angry with him? He remembered how furious she was when he came home after curfew; what's more being out all night.

The door opened and his mother stepped in.

"Zack, honey? Are you feeling better?" was the first words that came out of Carey's lips.

Zack turned to see his mother reaching for him. He automatically held out his hands as she pulled him closer. "Oh, honey," she murmured as she rubbed his back soothingly. "Everything's okay now."

Zack nodded. "Aren't you angry with me?" he asked in a small voice.

Carey pulled back and stared at him. Her eyes softened. "I am. But I also understand that you weren't thinking clearly. Oh, Zack. I'm so sorry that I scolded you for the skateboard incident. It was wrong of me."

Zack started in surprise. _She knows? _He glanced at Cody, who nodded in affirmative. Relief he hadn't known he needed spread through him. "It's okay."

Carey let go and kissed his forehead. "I love you, honey. Don't you forget that."

"Love you too."

Carey placed her palms on both sides of Zack's head, her fingers brushing his wild tresses of hair. "Don't you ever run away like that again."

Zack nodded obediently. Carey smiled and looked at the clock. "You both must be tired. Go to sleep. I'll see you guys in the morning." Turning around, she patted Cody's back and closed the door behind her.

…

Cody sat awkwardly at the chair beside Zack's bed. He breathed in and out evenly, willing himself to calm down. He eyed Zack out of his peripheral vision and was shocked to realize that his brother was staring at him.

"I uh should probably go to sleep." Cody stood up.

"Cody, wait."

Cody hesitated. "Yeah?"

"Are you mad at me?"

"What? No! Of course I'm not." Cody hurried to correct him.

Zack's lips thinned. He shifted over to make room and beckoned Cody to sit beside him. The older Martin watched as the reluctance in Cody's greenish blue eyes morphed into resignation. Cody plopped beside him wearily.

"You don't want to talk to me," Zack stated calmly.

"That's not true. I just thought you might be tired," Cody mumbled.

Zack arched an eyebrow at that. He sighed. "I am, Cody. I really am," he admitted tiredly. He saw his brother's surprise and his insides plummeted. The exhaustion started to tug relentlessly at the back of his consciousness, a thick hazy fog that soothed him to drift. Zack blinked and focused his gaze at his hands. "It would really help if you don't be like that."

Cody hesitated, then "Why'd you do it, Zack? Why did you run away?" _I think I know the answer, but I want to hear it from your lips._

Zack shrugged. He took a moment to stare out the window, his complexion completely blank. "I don't know, Cody," he finally said. "Everything suddenly seemed too much. It was like I…" He stared at Cody intensely. "I felt like I couldn't breathe. I couldn't handle it."

_And so you ran away_, Cody thought sadly. In the end, he was not even enough to give his brother a reason to stay.

"I'm sorry, Zack."

Zack looked surprised. "What? Why?"

"I'm sorry I wasn't good enough." Cody closed his eyes tightly. "In the end, even with my 'perfect' grades, I couldn't stop you from running away. I didn't even know how to help you when you fell unconsciousness… And I'm sorry."

Zack silently took this in. _Cody thinks it's…his fault?_He sat up tiredly and wrapped an arm around his brother's shoulder. "You aren't supposed to blame yourself, Cody. I didn't do it to hurt you."

Cody's eyes widened. He jerked his head towards Zack, his mouth seeming to work to find the right words. "But…I don't get it, Zack. You ran away. In the middle of the night! Who in their right mind would do that?"

Zack inwardly winced. Of course. Only he was stupid enough to just run away like that. He forced himself to meet Cody's eye and smiled sheepishly. "Did it occur to you I might not have been in the right state of mind then?"

There was a pause. "Oh."

Zack shrugged. "I had a very bad night, Cody," he said softly, his gaze now pinned on his lap. "I remember leaving the hotel and getting lost at this very dark place. It scared me. I didn't feel safe. And I guess I somehow I wound up at the playground and you found me."

"I thought you didn't remember?"

Zack gave a small smile as he lifted his head. "I do now. My head feels like someone knocked it with a hammer or something. Everything's all scrambled up."

"Really? Does it hurt?" Cody sat nearer to his brother. "Do you want me to get Mum?"

"Nah. I'll be fine." Zack sighed and leaned against the headboard. "Why'd I pass out anyway?"

"Mum said you were too stressed. I don't really know much, though. I kind of passed out too." Cody smiled sheepishly, a light tinge of pink coloring his cheeks.

Zack stared at him in disbelief. "You what?" When Cody blushed a deeper crimson out of embarrassment, the older twin laughed, much to the surprise of Cody. "You're such a girl, Codes. You were the one sleeping in a hotel and you fainted?"

"You weren't the one who was worried to death. Or the one who practically ran all over Boston searching for a runaway brother!" Cody defended indignantly. He immediately regretted his words when the mirth faded from his twin's eyes.

Zack's features turned solemn. "I worried you?" He rolled the words on his tongue, as if tasting them. It sounded so natural, but it hadn't seemed so the previous night. He eyed the change in Cody's expression. "Cody?"

Zack barely had a second to prepare before two arms wrapped around him tightly. Realization set in his face. Guilt clung to him as he returned the hug, before gently pushing his brother away.

"Sorry," Cody mumbled.

"Me too, Cody. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking."

"Yeah, you weren't." Cody glared half-heartedly at his twin. "Do you know how scared Mum was? She cried all day."

Zack looked surprised. "She did?"

"Of course, Zack!" Cody answered immediately. How could it be otherwise, after all? "We were so worried about you." The younger Martin lowered his voice. "Don't scare me like that again, buddy. I won't forgive you if you do."

Zack felt a small smile tug at his lips. "You haven't called me buddy since we were five."

Cody laughed. "Yeah, I know. It just felt right calling you that."

"Yeah. I promise I won't do it again, buddy."

Cody nodded in acknowledgement, his heart already feeling lighter than it had earlier. A thought occurred to him. The younger Martin fingered the hem of his shirt. He should just say it. They were just wasting time. A delay. It would all come out eventually. But he wasn't ready! Cody didn't want to. His fingers curled tighter around the piece of cloth. Everything that had been said, every glance that had been thrown, and every sigh that had escaped. It was just a pointless path that graced them with few rewards. Like the apology that his brother had uttered.

Cody knew that they had to go straight to the point.

"What is it?"

Cody looked up into a pair of identical greenish blue eyes. "Huh?"

"You want to tell me something." Zack looked amused.

"Oh." Cody sucked in a deep breath. "Zack, next time you feel like…you can't breathe, tell me okay? I can't stand it if you were to disappear again. But I don't want you to 'suffocate' alone either." He paused briefly and lowered his voice. "I'd give up anything, Zack. Even my grades if it means you're safe."

A touch of gratitude colored the older's cheeks. "I promise that too." Zack laughed and mock-shivered. "Do you know how sentimental we're being right now?"

Cody grinned. "Yeah. That's what you get for running away."

"If that's the punishment, no way am I ever going to do that again. I'd rather Mum ground me."

"You're going to get grounded in the future anyway."

"Huh. Like you're not going to be grounded along with me."

Cody laughed. "You should have seen Mr Moseby. He was actually worried."

Zack lifted an eyebrow as if questioning Cody's statement. He started when he realized his twin wasn't lying. "Wow. Do you think we'd get off the hook if we have fun in the lobby again?"

"Don't bet on it."

The twins grinned at each other and a comfortable silence fell over them.

Zack suddenly remembered the dark place he had been in – had it only been a dream? – and how _cold_ it had been. His eyelids lowered. _I'm not good enough. I will never be as good as Cody, but…_

Zack nudged Cody's elbow. "I'm okay now."

"Zack?"

"I was stupid. I ran away because I was afraid. But I'm not anymore."

Cody stared at Zack in shock. He had never heard Zack confess about being scared.

The older twin mock-punched his brother's shoulder. "Come on. I'm tired. Let's go to sleep."

"Okay…" Cody hesitantly stood up and headed for his bed. He settled himself into his bed and tried to close his eyes. Gosh. He felt so tired.

"Buddy?"

Cody immediately sat up. "Yeah?" Was his brother hurting again?

"You know what I felt when I was out there?"

"What?"

"I wanted to come home to you guys."

Cody felt the corners of his lips pull into a wide smile. _Thanks, Zack._

Zack gave a small chuckle and murmured, "Good night."

"Good night."

It had been more than a tiring night. But Zack realized that the dark may refer to the darkness you feel inside when you're alone. But now, everything was okay. Because the things that really brightened his life was his family – his mum and Cody, and at times, his father too. Warmth seeped into his chest.

It was no longer cold.

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"_When you have nobody you can make a cup of tea for, when nobody needs you, that's when I think life is over." __-__ Audrey Hepburn_

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Replies:

To **flufflekinz8188**: Thanks for your review! :) I hope this chapter didn't disappoint you. It didn't have much stuff going on, just a lot of interaction. Check out my other fics on Suite Life!

To **heawee**: Thanks for your review! And you're very welcome! I do love writing, and all these reviews just make me want to write more. :) I hope you enjoyed the chapter!

To **chickenleg718**: I really appreciate your review. Same here. I always believed that there was more to Zack than just him as a troublemaker. I really wish the show would show more of this side of him, but then, it's a comedy. It barely, if any, happens. I hope you weren't disappointed by this chapter. :)

To **shadowcat2428**: Thanks for your review! I hope you liked the chapter.

To **Viperia**: To reviewer whom I do not know, thanks for the review! I appreciate your criticism, and will better my fics better based on what you have said. Thank you for taking the time to search for any flaws. I hope this chapter didn't disappoint you. :)

Please **review**! They make me so happy. :)


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